The most complex of simplest words: "Loveable" by Raymond Antrobus
Thoughts behind the original letterpress Raymond Antrobus poetry broadside of the poem "Loveable" from All The Names Given, Tin House Books.
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Loveable
The first time you told me you loved me
I didn’t say it back,
which is to say
that I was not loveable.
Those who have loved me before say
I made them feel second to some dream I was having.
You know the thing with dreams
you’re the only one that sees them
so when I say I didn’t know what was talking
the first night you said you loved me I mean
I needed to hear it in the morning
hear it said when neither of us
could be anyone
except who we are
Raymond Antrobus
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I love how this poem holds the individual self upright against the strong tidal pull of societal expectations that run deep in our most intimate moments. I don’t know about you but I’ve struggled greatly both to say, and to accept — at different times and sometimes the same time — those most complex of simplest words: I love you.
Oh the agony! Oh the beauty! Oh the terror of uttering those words for the first time! And the speaker here knows it, feels it, probably feels bad for the awkard-at-best, emotionally-scarring-at-worst moment of not saying it back. That first time. Those searching eyes. You know those eyes?
I love the staunch commitment to personal dreams here, and the acknowledgement of all that can’t be shared between partners. Between people in general. There are some things so intimate to the self that we barely see them ourselves, let alone find a way to communicate them to others. Which is where poetry comes in. Helping us every time but still, there’s a gap that no matter how hard we work toward bridging we can’t quite delete. But we can behold each other honestly across the space between. And love. And say we love.
Finally, and perhaps most excruciating comes the confession that dreams aside what the speaker is perhaps fighting most is disbelief. Have you been there before? Listening to someone say they love you and nodding along while negating it squarely inside your head? Because they can’t possibly? I mean, who could? Love you? If they knew all of you actually? Under cloak of darkness maybe, soft glow of lamplight or whispered up close, sure maybe — but under the harsh clear natural light of the next day beginning?
Sending love to all lovers, thwarted and not. May we have the courage to say I love you in the morning.
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About Raymond Antrobus
Raymond Antrobus was born in London and is the author of five volumes of poetry include All The Names Given and Signs, Music from Tin House Books.
In 2019 he became the first ever poet to be awarded the Rathbone Folio Prize for best work of literature in any genre. He is also one of the world's first recipients of an MA in Spoken Word education from Goldsmiths University. You can learn more about him on his website here!
Credits
The poem "Loveable" is from All The Names Given, Tin House Books. Copyright 2021 Raymond Antrobus. Used by permission.
Thanks to the staff at Tin House for permission and facilitating a direct connect with the author. Thanks to Raymond for his quick and happy "yes!" to the project.
